In which I need a push…

He warned me this would happen…

He, in this context, being Steven Brennan, sage of our time and self-help guru to nobody but himself. Of all the people I thought would make the best predictions about what would happen to me whilst being unemployed, I didn’t expect it to be this man:

Steve, in his less addled days

For many years, I’ve been a proponent of not listening to Steven Brennan. In my defense, he’s absolutely fucking insane. The man believes in lizards who inhabit human suits. Sure, spend a few hours punting off money to him at Chinese and Big2, shovel him the odd Marlboro Light when he’s definitely, absolutely quit smoking again and  make use of the fact that he lives close by, owns several cars and will happily tolerate having another human in the car for short journeys, but under no circumstances listen to a single word he has to say.  Not one single word. That’s just the rule, and if you stick to it, life will be better, both for you, and for Steve.

I made the cardinal mistake of listening the other day. He had a not-so-cryptic warning for me, and all the worse, it didn’t involve lizards or impending doom. He proffered that if I didn’t start taking the job search seriously, make plans or actually do something throughout the day, I’d end up like a sloth.

Fuck. He’s actually right…

The one time I listen to him in years and he somehow pulls a nailed-on, laser guided truth missile out from his arsenal.

I read a blog today by somebody who’s life story is pretty similar to mine (although they are a little older than me) and as he was describing his life and how he’d gotten into the job he’d been doing, he described himself as someone with low inertia. What he meant was that he finds it incredibly difficult to get something started and up and running. I think laziness is an unkind word, although that’s what some people will surely call it, but I read it and thought: ‘yip, that’s me’.

Where we differ is the fact that once I start something and build up some momentum, I throw everything into it, I can’t be detached, I like to know everything about everything. Inertia, as it happens, isn’t an easy thing to come by — not working sucks a lot and I’m not liking it, but I can equally be distracted from the feelings of worthlessness by the internet at large and not just the generic, bland job search websites where I might find suitable employ.

Inertia comes, and it goes. It’s certainly not constant — there are days (although admittedly few and far between) where I feel full of life and dive into doing the things I know I need to be doing and there are other days where even lying on the sofa watching SSN is too much effort. Most days, I’m somewhere between the extremes, but Brennan was right. I’m getting to be sloth-like and feel a lot of different (and not very pleasant) emotions — I even signed out of Skype because I just couldn’t be arsed with people any more. With each day that passes, I’m getting worse – relationships suffer, self-esteem suffers and the worst of it is that I *know* all of this, but most of the time I can’t be arsed to do a damned thing about it. It’s all about inertia, and my needle dropped to zero.

I actually have no idea how to solve this problem, I thought that writing a short blog post about it might be cathartic, but it wasn’t. Urgh.

Til next time,

Bowlhuzz

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